The Babbling Bleating Old Man

A few years ago before my friend and I went separate ways after high school, he asked me, "What drives you?"

I replied, "My past."

The lesson realized after a few years:

You will be consumed by what drives you. The reason of your rise will the biggest threat of your downfall.

Life is a joke.
What is a joke?
A joke is closely related to laughter.
Then comes into question, what is laughter?

Laughter is a transducer of an emotion,
Physically an irritation of the vocal chords.
Most notably,
It is the essence of insanity.

Jokes are funny.
But they are not.
Because some jokes are funny,
While some jokes are not.
Not all jokes are funny my friend.

This is where I will begin again.
And let this joke be the later.
It will not be funny.
Never, although it may seem to be.

I finally understand.

When the Four meets the Seven, the Seven will be overturned.

I hate this feeling. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I made three oaths. And the third oath, will haunt me forever.

We move on in life. Although life goes on, some memories live with you forever. How I wish they will be here at the end the year. I know they will be watching Three more months, a perfect finish.

There is a tree. Not an ancient one but just a few decades old. The tree has no name but has its fame.

Every story has its beginning and every tree has one too. The tree couldn’t remember when it was rooted there, or why. Although the tree is just a few decades old, it does not look like one. The tree does not grow by calendar cycles or water. It grows by meeting spirits and people, old and news ones alike. The spot where the tree is rooted is in middle-path that connects different worlds.

The tree’s location is the tree’s uprise and demise at the same time. Meeting different spirits and people taught the tree from various perspectives. Nasty ones taught the tree nasty things. Cruel ones taught the tree cruel things. Noble ones taught the tree noble things. Kind ones taught the tree kind things. Knowing both sides of mirror altered the tree’s growth significantly.

People talk about the tree. Spirits talk about it too. They seek the tree to grant them wishes. They thought the tree is a magical artifact, in fact it is not. The wishes it grants, are from the things that the people and spirit gave him before. In fact, as more people and spirits seek the tree, the tree grows taller and stronger. The tree grew too much to a point when it realizes, there’s so much it has left behind.

To the tree, any passerby is a blessing as it is rooted to the spot, unable to move anywhere else. Being able to grant the people and spirits wishes, is not just a responsibility to the tree. To the tree, it takes them as a priviledge. A priviledge to be able to share its stories. A priviledge to give hope. A priviledge to be a friend.

The tree is growing old. It has been wondering lately, how will its life be if it can no longer grant any wishes. It is wondering, are the people and spirits talking to it because it makes them feel there is hope around. It is wondering, are the people and spirits talking to it because it makes them feel the impossible is nothing. It is wondering, is there anything it can offer when it can no longer grant wishes.

What if the tree cannot grant anymore wishes? Will the people and spirits still talk to the tree? What if the tree is not able to speak anymore?

I got this story from a friend. To me, in the end, I think I the tree will just be any ordinary tree. It will provide the shade when needed. It will provide the wood when required. When it is old, it will be fallen and that is the end of it. Never be taken genuinely.

I thought of leaving this post until the end of the year or probably never write it. The urge is too strong tonight. I think I will write it.

This year has been great. Results are fantastic. Research project is going superb. Flatmates, no word can define their awesomeness. And yeah… brilliant friends along the way. So yeah… why complain? I don’t know… I’m having too much thoughts in my head lately.

It all started a few weeks ago. My research went pretty well and I presented my findings to the company. It is most likely I will be landing a job with them or perform a post-grad research for them. All is not possible without my supervisor in his 60s. My supervisor is probably one of the man who I will remember for the rest of my life. He is a father figure. He could have chose to do nothing to assist my research. Yet, he took all the trouble on doing things like getting the right people to assist me and arranging the meeting with the company. All done without anything for him to gain. Being told by him that I’m one his best students in his academic career certainly gave me much belief in myself. I always know encouragement is good, but that was really something very special. Meeting people like him gave me a lot thought and made me recall many memories - people who changed my life.

There is one teacher who I always looked up to. She was a strict disciplinarian. I used to obey and respect out of fear. But I didn’t realize until these few weeks how her words actually changed my life. I always remember this short story she always told me:

When she first joined the school, her pay was peanuts. Yet, the principal would ask her before she collected her pay every month, "What have done to deserve this paycheck? Do you think you have done enough to deserve it?"

The pay was meagre but yet she was questioned. I’m pretty sure life lessons like this (if taken positively) would have  an implication to the integrity which she possesses. And I always look up to that.

All these reminded me of integrity and virtue. I think that’s the reason why I will decide to drop the offers in New Zealand and fulfil my honour or scholarship bond. I will go home.

Home, not just the four-walls-with-the-roof, but a place where I think I’m needed more than anywhere else.

Prosti menya mladshiy brat!
Ya tak pred toboy vinovart
Pyitatsya vernut’ nyelzya
Jogo, chto vzyala zyemlya

Kto znayet zakon byitiya
Pomog byi mne nyti otvet
Zhestoko oshibsya ya
Ot smerti lekarstva nyet

Milaya mama! nyezhnaya!
Myi tak lyubili tebya
No vse nashi silyi
Potrachenyi byili zrya

Jebya soblaznil ya
Prekrasnoy nadezhdoy
Vernut’ nash swemeynyiy ochag
Moy brat, ya vo vsem vinovat.

Nye plach’, nye pechal’ sya, starshiy brat!
Nye tyi odin vinovat
Doroga u nas odna
Tskupin vinu do dna

Mnye nye v chem tebya upreknut’
T ya nye obihem nichut’
Jyazhek, nash gryekh
Khotet’ byit’ silneye vsekh

Milaya mama! nyezhnaya!
Myi tak lyubili tebya
No vse nashi silyi
Potrachenyi byili zrya

Ya sam soblaznisya
Prekprasnoy nadezhdoy
Vernut’ nash semeynyiy ochag
Ya sam vo vsem vinovat

No chto zhe nam delat’, kak byit’ ?
Kak vse ispravit’, zyabyit’ ?
Pyitst’ sya vernut’ nyelzhya
Jogo chto vzyala zyemiya

1. Life is regretful, at times.
2. You never know what you lose, until you really lose them.
3. I have lived with regrets, I thought I  moved on.
4. I disconnected all the chapters, and reconnected them again. I don’t think I moved on afterall.
5. Instead, I think I am drawing strength from the past to drive myself forward.
6. It is good to learn from the past. But if it is based on vengeance, I am not sure if I’m doing it right.
7. Life is confusing. And I’m confusing.
8. Nice.