The Babbling Bleating Old Man

I thought of leaving this post until the end of the year or probably never write it. The urge is too strong tonight. I think I will write it.

This year has been great. Results are fantastic. Research project is going superb. Flatmates, no word can define their awesomeness. And yeah… brilliant friends along the way. So yeah… why complain? I don’t know… I’m having too much thoughts in my head lately.

It all started a few weeks ago. My research went pretty well and I presented my findings to the company. It is most likely I will be landing a job with them or perform a post-grad research for them. All is not possible without my supervisor in his 60s. My supervisor is probably one of the man who I will remember for the rest of my life. He is a father figure. He could have chose to do nothing to assist my research. Yet, he took all the trouble on doing things like getting the right people to assist me and arranging the meeting with the company. All done without anything for him to gain. Being told by him that I’m one his best students in his academic career certainly gave me much belief in myself. I always know encouragement is good, but that was really something very special. Meeting people like him gave me a lot thought and made me recall many memories - people who changed my life.

There is one teacher who I always looked up to. She was a strict disciplinarian. I used to obey and respect out of fear. But I didn’t realize until these few weeks how her words actually changed my life. I always remember this short story she always told me:

When she first joined the school, her pay was peanuts. Yet, the principal would ask her before she collected her pay every month, "What have done to deserve this paycheck? Do you think you have done enough to deserve it?"

The pay was meagre but yet she was questioned. I’m pretty sure life lessons like this (if taken positively) would have  an implication to the integrity which she possesses. And I always look up to that.

All these reminded me of integrity and virtue. I think that’s the reason why I will decide to drop the offers in New Zealand and fulfil my honour or scholarship bond. I will go home.

Home, not just the four-walls-with-the-roof, but a place where I think I’m needed more than anywhere else.

Prosti menya mladshiy brat!
Ya tak pred toboy vinovart
Pyitatsya vernut’ nyelzya
Jogo, chto vzyala zyemlya

Kto znayet zakon byitiya
Pomog byi mne nyti otvet
Zhestoko oshibsya ya
Ot smerti lekarstva nyet

Milaya mama! nyezhnaya!
Myi tak lyubili tebya
No vse nashi silyi
Potrachenyi byili zrya

Jebya soblaznil ya
Prekrasnoy nadezhdoy
Vernut’ nash swemeynyiy ochag
Moy brat, ya vo vsem vinovat.

Nye plach’, nye pechal’ sya, starshiy brat!
Nye tyi odin vinovat
Doroga u nas odna
Tskupin vinu do dna

Mnye nye v chem tebya upreknut’
T ya nye obihem nichut’
Jyazhek, nash gryekh
Khotet’ byit’ silneye vsekh

Milaya mama! nyezhnaya!
Myi tak lyubili tebya
No vse nashi silyi
Potrachenyi byili zrya

Ya sam soblaznisya
Prekprasnoy nadezhdoy
Vernut’ nash semeynyiy ochag
Ya sam vo vsem vinovat

No chto zhe nam delat’, kak byit’ ?
Kak vse ispravit’, zyabyit’ ?
Pyitst’ sya vernut’ nyelzhya
Jogo chto vzyala zyemiya

1. Life is regretful, at times.
2. You never know what you lose, until you really lose them.
3. I have lived with regrets, I thought I  moved on.
4. I disconnected all the chapters, and reconnected them again. I don’t think I moved on afterall.
5. Instead, I think I am drawing strength from the past to drive myself forward.
6. It is good to learn from the past. But if it is based on vengeance, I am not sure if I’m doing it right.
7. Life is confusing. And I’m confusing.
8. Nice.